It is a psychological truism.... that if one partner initiates an encounter they are seeking something from the other, if only unconsciously! Couples must learn to take care to discern who the initiator is at any given point in time. Marriage works best when the initiator is responded to in terms of what they are seeking, not in terms of the listeners reactivity. I Have used the analogy of a cab ride, the clarification of “whose cab ride is it anyway”, whole dime is on the line? This bit of “personal discipline” alone can majorly reduce the number of unnecessary negative cycles in a relationship
The initiator may, in fact, not know what they are seeking. But the task of the receiver of the approach is to take in that the other person is about something, and to assist them in some way toward clarification. Most importantly, the task for the receiver is not to serve as an off switch to the other person’s moment of reach.